I CAN MOONWALK!
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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