ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
