you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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