You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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