Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
