She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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