new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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