After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
