o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
