Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
