Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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