I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
