Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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