I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
