I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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