There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
