and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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