who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
