My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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