Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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