my soul wont recognize me after tonight
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
