So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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