I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
