Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
