guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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