You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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