who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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