Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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