so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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