just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He shit in the fireplace
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
