I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
