can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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