I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
