If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
