My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
