Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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