my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
