I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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