her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just want nice things and good sex
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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