I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
