first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
