Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
