Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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