if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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