stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
