dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
