he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
