I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
