felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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