Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
