FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
