i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
