Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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