I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
