So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just blew my weed a kiss
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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