Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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