areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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