so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
