My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Houston, we have a squirter
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
