Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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