I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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